I hope these next few postings pertaining to my self-growth will help someone that may need a little guidance.  This is something that most people probably go through?  I figured I'd document my growth, in hopes that it may help someone out there.  I have restructured my blog so that deeper understandings are posted before this one.

This is basically Wisdom.  I've done quite a bit of research, reading and self examination, about 2 years worth.   I began this journey w/ my girlfriend pointing out that I had some issues w/ negative emotions.  God bless her for planting one of the first seeds in me.  One of my earlier readings I read was from a google search "Anger always stems from unfulfilled expectations.  Let go of the expecting and the anger will be no more."

I guess I'll start by talking about thought, self talk and so on.  John Bradshaw's, Healing the Shame that Binds You was one of the first books I read many years ago at the beginning of my journey.  This talks about the inner child.  To sum up what I gathered from the book: The adult self is a result of society, culture, our upbringings, our parents, etc (actually, it's our inner child, who acts out within the adult self).  We're basically molded to think <x> in <y> situation.  What we need to understand as adults is that <x> isn't constant.  <x> is what we "think" is right, which doesn't necessarily mean that it is.  I.e. Person A believes his grass must look as good or better than his neighbors.  Person B could care less.  B doesn't agree with A and A doesn't agree w/ B.  But neither A or B are wrong.  Some are trained/molded to believe that they must be stressed out, sad, hurt, etc.(pick any negative emotion) in <x> situation.  Now this is when the inner child, who was formed into this belief, needs help from our real adult self, the adult that knows better.  This is when we use our thought.  I had to teach my inner child that my influences during my upbringing are not necessarily the way to go about certain situations in life.  My current adult that realized this was now ready to comfort and show my inner child some better ways of living.  I'll do my best to explain how..

I used to feel negative emotions when addressed with <x> situation.  <x> is any situation that ended w/ a negative emotion.  When I would get a negative emotion, I would analyze my thoughts, body, and so on.  My thoughts were always clouded by tons of self-talk that would escalate the negative emotion.  For instance, if i was upset, my self-talk was saying "He/She shouldn't have said/did this.... He/She is saying hurtful things...  He/She is making me feel.." etc.   And the words/phrases kept on going.  I was consumed because of an unfulfilled expectation.  What I realized at this point is that once the body is consumed w/ an emotion, it is very hard to escape that emotion until the mind is clear.  I have experienced this almost every day of my life w/ myself and have witnessed it many times in others.  If we are upset w/ someone or we are having a hard time in life, no matter what is said, the frame of mind continues (not always, but it is very common).  It's being in a rut and we will listen to nothing unless it matches our own emotional state/self-talk.  At this point of understanding, I began to analyze the emotional states.  I noticed how my mind would view actions from the outside world.  I noticed self-talk stirring and this caused a chemical release/flush of an emotional state.  I evaluated the self-talk, watched how it triggered the emotional state, then literally felt the emotion begin to consume my body...starting from the waste and working its way up.  It was like a flushing type feeling.  A warming sensation.  After weeks of analyzing my emotional state at many moments, I caught the trigger.  I was doing dishes in the kitchen sink and picked up a plate, then felt an emotion come over me.  I was able to stop to analyze right away due to many days of evaluating the pattern.   As I felt the emotion starting, I watched it begin its flush at my waist.  Immediately I stopped and said in my head "where did that just come from?"  I immediately pointed to the words within my self-talk.  I was trying to catch this trigger for weeks, so I already knew what an emotional state felt like (the flushing feeling), but I could never catch why cuz my thinking would be clouded by tons of garbaged self-talk.  But this time, I remembered what my self talk said prior to the emotion.  My self-talk were exact words that I heard within my surroundings as a child.  Those words in my head were exactly the words I had heard many times as a child, and I knew from whom.  When I realized this, the emotion flowed backwards out of my body.  That warming sensation vanished and I wasn't frustrated.  From that point on, I did in depth analyzing of my self talk.  I began to find a lot of incorrect thinking.  I realized that I'm an adult now and can think for myself.  I started showing my inner child the correct way to think, feel, etc.  I basically tore down the molding of my being that took place during my childhood and began to restructure myself while using my own beliefs as an adult.

My next topic will be coming in a few days.  It involves stepping my mind back further.  I knew there was more to it than just catching it and changing your state of mind.  It took around 2-3 months of working on the above realization before i felt comfortable in moving on.  I continue to listen to my self talk, realize the emotional state, and reverse it when necessary (I have found that all negative thinking should be reversed..I'll get to that later).  At this point, after many years, I'm still not able to do this 100% of the time.  I'm at about an 85% success rate.  The other 15% of the time, I realize what I am going through.  I'm conscious of it 100% of the time.  If something is bothering me, I can recognize my emotional state in realtime.  I'll evaluate my self-talk and while in the emotional state, I'll say to myself "You're failing right now, be aware.  Choose you words wisely.'  I'm not sure if it is possible to be in a perfect state of mind 100% of the time, but this is my goal. 

For me, this wasn't enough.  I knew there was more to evaluating the self-talk and catching an emotion before it happens.  Working backwards in an analytical manner with my thoughts, I realized for me that the previous step in my thought process was Choice.